young and cold
Nokyoung Xayasane

I met a boy once
who traveled across
the states of Virginia and Alabama
to get back to me.
He drank coffee by
morning light
and by the glow of the night.
He drove for hours
on end,
fourteen or fifteen hours nonstop
to get back to me.

I hid my heart in a map
and asked him to find me.
And yet, I had all but forgotten
about him.
That’s what it’s like
to be young and cold.

When he got back to me
he embraced me
like a buoy in the water,
clinging for dear life.
Those actions he performed,
they were outside of me.

I could’ve been anyone,
anything he needed
because he needed me that badly.
These lost boys
all they search for is
their manic pixie dream girl.
I’ll play the character
as long as you give me the material.
Yeah, those days
when I was young and cold.

the rain
Nokyoung Xayasane

there’s this rain
that falls outside my window
a gentle sprinkling
of rain

there was rain
that night
in Kensington Market
long ago

we hid underneath
an awning
for a while
until it let up

you took my hand
and we ran into the sleet
and wind
that night in Kensington Market

the bridge
Nokyoung Xayasane

there’s a bridge
with wires of glowing red
which stretches out
across the water

in the night
it glows
alive
like red filaments

That’s beautiful,
I say
They’re there to prevent people
from jumping, you say

the bridge shines
ever brighter
red glowing filaments
in the night

light
Nokyoung Xayasane

I wake up in your bed
to watch the sun rise
over the water,
at the water’s edge.
You are there
beside me.

In my mind,
I remember
when I rested my head
on his shoulder,
when I laid my hand
in his lap.
I exhaled ever so slowly
I inhaled ever so deeply
and we knew
what it was
to know someone.

In our bodies,
I remember
the love
of a new morning
when a day began
beside him,
his gentle breathing
filling the room
before light
quietly begins its tiptoe.

The sky,
it begins to light up,
a sliver along the edge
of the world emerging
along the plane of time.
I look back at you
from the foot of the bed,
but I can’t see you.
I squint
but I can’t see you.
You are hidden
in my memories
of that love,
that love
that was once lost
to the open sea.

once i was young
Nokyoung Xayasane

once i was young
and didn’t know any better
i stood inside a photo
that looked out
into the world
vibrant with sound and colour

i held my tongue
and i kept quiet
i stood where they told me to stand
i sat where they asked me to sit
i didn’t make a sound
not a single sound

one day i woke up
everyone around me had left
they were busy with their own lives
there was only the sound
of the tap running
and this sound
this incessant sound
this chant

no one will remember your name

i stepped out of the photo
and the sound
it was deafening
the voices
they were calling to me
calling to each other
the colours pierced
pinpoints of light
faces distorted in anguish
hands open bleeding and hopeful

i asked the noises to stop
i wanted to turn back
to the place that was safe
where i was told how to stand
and when to speak

but there was no going back
the photo had been lost
in drawer somewhere
in a dusty attic somewhere

I turned to the colours
their painful sheen
I shielded my eyes
with my upraised hand
I held my ears shut
but that symphony of sound
that torturous beauty
could still be heard

I opened my mouth
and I spoke words quietly
nonsense words
words for the sake of speaking

suddenly, the words became
phrases,
the phrases
sentences
the sentences
paragraphs
the paragraphs
narrative
a narrative of my life
for all lives that have been
and will ever be

I began to shout
I shouted those words
I shouted that narrative
and I’ve been shouting ever since

in summer
Nokyoung Xayasane

In summer,
we go to the beaches:
Scarborough Bluffs,
Hanlan’s Point,
Toronto Island.

There is a child
building a sandcastle
by the water,
a flag flutters
in the wind.

We are lying
on towels
with trail mixes
and avocado and bacon
sandwiches,
hidden pale ales
and ciders.

I remember
turning away
from the voices discussing
Romantic literature,
poetry and Hemingway,
big data and the evolution of music.

I remember getting up
and walking to the water’s edge.
The inlet of water surrounded
by rocks and seagulls,
the sky
blue
stretching up
endless,
the light glaring off the water.

I walked into the water,
a slow march.
I took a breath
and I dove in.
The cold spread
throughout my body.
I floated on my back
with the sky above me
blue and endless and glaring.
Summer will go on forever.

I heard the sound of people
at the shore
and I knew I had to go back.
I left the water and I followed
their voices.
The coldness had slipped away,
the sun was warm
above me,
and for a brief moment
I forgot
that at one point
I had not wanted
to turn back.