Nokyoung Xayasane

if you were a little bit older

Posted on August 21, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

if you were a little bit older
Nokyoung Xayasane

They say you can’t have it all.
Who are these people?
What are their credentials?

I would like to have sex
with you
and still talk to you
afterwards.

I would like to stay up
late one night
just talking to you
about the nature of evil
and of goodness.
The next day
is a rainy Sunday morning.
I would like to order two pizzas
with your normal quirky toppings.
You like to combine toppings
that make no sense.
We usually get six sodas
with this particular deal.
The sodas stay in the fridge
for months
because we don’t drink pop.

I would like to watch Netflix with you
and fall asleep on our couch
with our orange cat between us.
We’ll get very indignant or upset
about the state of American schools,
the commericialism of the world,
or whatever topic
in whichever documentary
we happen upon
that afternoon.
We’ll worry about it for
ten to fifteen minutes afterwards,
the sting of humanity still strong and raw.
But then you suggest we go out for pho
or maybe sushi, all-you-can-eat, of course.
You know I only like to leave the house
for food.
We go out to eat
and I take photos of the food,
overhead shots of course
like a pro food blogger.
I tell you to ‘act natural’
and sometimes your hands are
in the photos.

That’s all I have now
photos of disembodied hands
in sepia-toned images.
It proves it was real,
some part of it,
the Instagram-filtered part
where everything is beautiful
and clear and perfectly positioned,
perfectly experienced.

I put those pictures in a drawer
in my mind, of course,
no one prints photos anymore,
except for that one time
I wanted to be old-timey
and I printed 100 photos
because I wanted to know it was real.
That we were real.

Now those photos are all I have.
They show
what we were and what we could’ve been
if you were a little bit older
and I was a little bit wiser.

I would like to enter a time machine
and remember your pretty face
and electric soul, as Lana Del Rey would say.
Those late summer afternoons
when I turned to you and you turned to me
and we fell asleep
on our couch
in our tiny apartment.

Yes, I think I would like
to have it all,
in my opinion.

the politics of female friendships

Posted on August 14, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

the politics of female friendships
Nokyoung Xayasane

If I were a dude,
and my friend and I were having
a disagreement,
if we were upset with each other,
maybe we would wrestle
or punch each other in the face,
and then we would be cool.
We’d shake hands.
Everything would be fine.

But I’m not a dude.
I’m a woman.
In a female fight,
there will be one person
who will deny the tension,
maybe both do.
You actually look a lot
better in that dress
than you did last summer.
That’s a blow to the chin
if I ever felt one.

Girls become obsessed
obsessed
with other women.
Like, they’re in love with them
and then the next day,
they can burn in hell
for all you care.

Here’s a bit of
unsolicited advice:
If you want to enter
the inner sanctum
of the inner circle,
you have to ingratiate
yourself to the queen bee.
Her minions fear and love her
like a ruling tyrant.

Girls will use other girls
against each other, especially
if it involves a boy.
Three-way calling has
led to wars of epic proportions.
He’s with her?
That’s a punch to the gut
if I ever felt one.

And whatever you do
beware of the major faux pas
of becoming close friends
with someone
another friend
holds dear.
I’ve worked really hard to invest
in these friendships.
That’s a punch in the gut
if I ever felt one.
You’ll feel like you stole
their boyfriend.
Whatever you do,
Never ever
“steal” a “friend’s” boyfriend
even if they’ve broken up
even if they’re on a break.
That’s akin to inviting
one friend out for coffee
and excluding the other,
that’s friendship suicide,
that’s the politics of female friendships.

Sometimes you’ll think a girl hates you,
and she probably does,
but she probably also loves you, too.
One day, you swear
that bitch
is dead to you,
then the next day, you’ll be sharing
a dessert.
Everything’s fine,
just fine.
The politics of female friendships.
I’d rather be a brain surgeon.

a lover in every country

Posted on August 10, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

how love changes you
Nokyoung Xayasane

when I was 26
I said, I would like
to have a lover in every country

but that would involve
first
leaving the country
first
saving the money

I’m sure it’s not a very nice thing
to use people
for my own amusement
but I’m sure they use me too

I get asked out for dinner and coffee
all the time
I never put much thought into it
but they usually want more
from me than I can give them
they’ve been sold
on the idea of love
everlasting love
I pity them sometimes
like a mother
with her small child
they don’t know any better
but they will

I ask myself,
is it my responsibility
to teach them
I really don’t know sometimes
actually, I’d rather not

how come when someone
does something nice
that’s never all it is
I guess we are humans after all

this was a time
when I had concluded
the worst things about love

how it changes you
into someone fit
for someone else
but I’ve never been one
to fit into a square peg
I’m a round hole
after all

how come being in love
feels like falling asleep in the snow
during a blizzard
they tell you never
to do this
because you’ll wake up dead

I always end up falling
asleep in the snow
no matter how hard
I try
to stay awake
the warmth
and the giving in
the ending of who
I was
and who I had
always wanted to be

that’s love
to me

and then it’s over
it ends
as it always does
and I try to relocate
the substance of myself
I find it dormant
in the snow
hidden
protected

I try to warm
it in my hands
I try to remember
I’m a round hole
after all
and you had always
been a square peg

but back to the dinner and coffee
can a guy ask a girl
for dinner and coffee
without that extra layer
of something else

in my experience,
this has never been the case
now this makes me
wonder about all your
coffee dates
and all my own
perhaps we were planning
our great escape
but we hadn’t admitted it
to ourselves, to each other
it makes me sad sometimes
to think about love
how transient it is
how fallible
how it changes
as we change

but anyways
the thing is
you’re the guy a girl
dates to get her parents upset
I’m the girl you marry
if I believed in marriage
I think that pretty much
says it all

I hope you find
what you’re looking for
I’m a round hole
after all

in two places at once

Posted on August 3, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

a particular mind
Nokyoung Xayasane

i read your messages
line by line
you send them
from across the ocean
in another continent

there are thirteen hours
between us
i have done the math

when you awake
i take my late evening stroll
when i am getting ready for bed
perhaps you are having
an afternoon snack

i wonder
if you have settled down
in your new place
what are you eating for supper
what books are you reading

i listen to music on the radio
they are playing the latest pop hits
and oldies from an era long ago
are you lonely
are you happy

i take a walk
as the sky and the buildings
begin to turn pink
you are looking at yourself
in the bathroom mirror
above your sink

in the evening i lie down
and you are beside me
i rest my head
in the crook of your arm
i nestle into the place
where I am safest
and you hold me like a child
it is good to be here with you

when i awake
i am without you again
i look around
and i wait, for what
i am not sure

the light begins
to wane in my bedroom
and i must turn on my lamp
this is how it is for me now
it takes a particular mind
that can exist
in two places
at once

nothing to do

Posted on August 2, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

nothing to do
Nokyoung Xayasane

So this is what it’s like
to have nothing to do.
This morning, I woke up
and I made my coffee
and a green smoothie.

I went out on my balcony
with two drinks and two books,
but I came back inside
because it was too sunny
and hot out.

I thought, I could watch any movie
I wanted to, or
if I’m really at a loss,
I’ll read my old anatomy
textbook or perhaps write a novel.

Today, I didn’t make a list.
Maybe I’ll eat a bunch of chips
and fall asleep listening to
music from the 60s and 70s
(my faves).

Then I thought, So this is what it’s like
to not be in love or entangled in someone.
I feels pretty normal and ordinary.
Maybe I’ll begin a love affair for fun,
but I’ll probably just write a poem instead.

as if by accident

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

the way you are sometimes
Nokyoung Xayasane

There is something
about you
that I just can’t place.

Once, I asked you
if you had gotten a new hair cut.
You said, No,
you had gotten a new comb.
This made me laugh.
The way you are,
sometimes.
And then
we took off all
our clothes,
and fell asleep
with the fan on low.

You are very tall,
and masculine and strong.
You are very forward,
and crass and brash,
and very intelligent,
in my opinion.
But also,
you are that moment,
you know,
that moment
in a song
when everything
goes quiet,
and I wait
for the sound
of your voice
or for your heart,
breathing.

When you first
told me you were leaving
the country
in a few months,
I thought,
Okay, fine.
This will be a fun time
before you leave.

Then the last day came,
we laid in bed,
neither one of us speaking.
It is like this with us.
Sometimes, we hardly speak.
Finally, you got up,
put your clothes on,
went to the bathroom,
and I stayed
lying in bed.

All of a sudden,
I couldn’t move.
All of a sudden,
I couldn’t breathe.
I’m sad, I told you.
You smiled,
and then you left.
I laid back down on the bed,
then I went to my balcony
to breathe the air.

You are the sleepy mountain town
where I used to lie my head
when the world moved too quickly.

You are
the flashes of lightning
before a storm enters,
and I stand in the street
waiting
for the rain.

There are things
here
on this page
that I can’t say to you
or to myself.
This is how it happens
to me.
It always happens
to me
like this,
as if
by accident.

the person I tried to be

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

my to-do list
Nokyoung Xayasane

On my to-do list,
I’ve written down
about 15 things.
At the end of the day,
I crossed off one item
that perhaps
took me five minutes
to accomplish.
Tomorrow, I think
I won’t write
such a long list.
Maybe I won’t write a list
at all.
Maybe I’ll watch four episodes
of The Mind of a Chef
all in a row
without any feelings
of guilt or remorse.
Maybe I’ll read three books
while drinking a glass of wine
in the late afternoon
and fall asleep in my chair
like a grandfather.

There are days
when I feel
like lying in bed all day.
After a few hours
of listening to music
and writing in bed,
I get up
and I brush my teeth,
I make a cup of coffee,
I shower,
I put makeup on my face
even when I feel disgusting
and lonely
and unlovable.
I do these things
because Julianna Margulies
from The Good Wife
recommended it,
and I’ll listen to any ER nurse
who made out with George Clooney.

I’ll also get out of my robe,
put on some clothes,
walk downstairs
and get the mail,
take out the garbage,
the recycling,
and the green bin
like one YouTube vlogger
suggested.
I’ll wash the dishes,
make my bed,
vacuum and mop the floor,
do my laundry,
all the activities
that help me
feel as if I’m
a productive member
of society.
Maybe not of society,
maybe just a productive person
in my rented apartment
that I share with a cat
and one roommate.

I’ll try not to feel sorry for myself
except when I do
almost every other day,
especially near the end of the month
when my rent is due
and one of my freelance clients
refuses to pay my whole invoice.
It must be a breeze for him
to feel so safe almost all the time
when I struggle every day
to make a life for myself
in a city that forgets
so easily
and takes and chips away
so ruthlessly.
But I know
even with all my complaining
and griping
and outbursts
and tears in the bathroom
and falling asleep on the kitchen floor
with a glass of water
my cat beside me
the pizza I bought at 1:30 in the morning
burning in my oven,
I know that at least
I’m living a life of my own choosing.
It’s something
not everyone gets a chance to do.

When I sit out on my balcony
in the morning
in the afternoon
and when I walk the streets of Toronto
in the evening
to clear my head
to have random conversations
with strangers trudging to work
in the late hours,
I know I’m living a life
that I have only dreamed of,
and so I sit on my balcony
and watch the world go by,
and I try to write a few lines
here and there
with the hope
that when I die
someone will remember me
as I am
and not as the person
I tried desperately
to be.

What’s my name again?

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

My name
Nokyoung Xayasane

There are times
when people
say my name
like spit
hitting the pavement.

My name,
it punctuates
the ends of sentences.
Comma, full stop.

My name
is a repetition,
drum beats
hitting,
a chant
calling.

There are times
when I hear
my name
like a bullhorn.
The Jesus freak
on Yonge and Dundas
with pamphlets
shouting
from his soapbox.
The homeless woman
at Yonge and Bloor station
who pleads for help
but really
wants money.

No, my name
it is no weapon.
Sure,
shorten it.
Use it
at your will.
Whatever makes
you comfortable.

Say it
if you wish
if you so desire.
Repeat it
over and over
again and again.
Hold it
sweetly
in between
your tongue and canine.

Cherish that name,
my friend.
Cherish the sound
it makes
hitting the open air.

Okay, good talk.
I’m sorry,
what’s my name again?

When we fall in love

Posted on July 23, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

When we fall in love
Nokyoung Xayasane

When we fall in love
there is a part of us
that is historian.
We go back
in time,
and we recreate
that first moment.

I was 16
and working as a cashier.
You asked me
to go
to the work party.
I said,
I had other plans.
But then
I said,
Yes, I’d go with you.
When I was 24,
you asked me
to marry you.
I said,
Yes,
but then I said, No.
I had other plans.

I was 24.
I had decided
to become
a writer.
I was already a poet,
secretly.
I fell in love
with poetry,
and I fell in love
with you
by accident.
I told you
how I felt,
but you preferred
girls who listened
to Taylor Swift,
exclusively.
I remember
when we hugged,
you’d lift me
off
the
ground.
My head would spin
and the world
was full of light.

I was 27
and I was reeling
from three men.
I now
call them
attachment,
love,
and lust.
I told you
I wanted to learn
how to play the guitar.
I wanted to write songs.
You played me
your creations
and sat
a respectful
distance
away.
I never learned
how to play the guitar,
did I?
And we never wrote
those songs together,
did we?
Instead,
we created
a life
together
until we realized
we could go
no further.

I’m 31
and I’m not sure
if I’m in love
with you.
I don’t know,
to be honest.
I never know
right away.
It always happens
to me
as if
by accident.

Maybe if you invite me
to your work party,
I’ll tell you
I have other plans.

Maybe if you invite me
over for tea,
I’ll go
and lie my head
gently
on the sofa.

Maybe we’ll write
songs together,
but you’re not a musician.
No songs
will be written.

Maybe this,
maybe that.

They say,
there is a part of us
that is historian
when we fall in love.
Is this true?
Yes, I think
maybe,
just maybe,
it is.

The perfect slut

Posted on July 15, 2016 by Nokyoung Xayasane

The perfect slut
Nokyoung Xayasane

The perfect slut
likes to take photos
on its camera phone.
It positions its body
just so
the way I like it.

The perfect slut
is the right combination
of cute and hot.
But this slut has a brain.
It’s a librarian/model/art curator.
It knows its grammar.
It speaks five languages,
but it knows
when to shut up,
it knows
when to go
on its knees.

The perfect slut
adores sex,
but it doesn’t talk
about it,
not in public,
online,
and never on social media.
You see,
I like my sluts
to be classy.
Take note,
my perfect slut
is GGG
and always DTF.

Oh me oh my,
I like a lot of different sluts,
sometimes more than one
in a week, in a day,
but if my slut hints
at its own body,
its workings
and its needs,
I tell my slut,
Be classy, slut,
be classy.

I let my slut know,
Hey, all my friends
want to fuck you.
It finds this satisfying
because this is the
highest compliment
I can give my slut,
to acknowledge
its desirability.

I like my slut
to talk dirty to me,
but its problems
at work, with its friends,
with its family?
No thanks.
My slut doesn’t have
these problems.

I tell my slut
it can message me
all it wants,
it can sleep over
if it wishes,
I’ll give it some cab money,
I’ll pay for its Uber.
I may even drive my slut
home in the morning
if I feel chivalrous.

So, hey, I’ve just dropped
my slut off at its house,
and I promised
I’d text it later
soon.
Maybe I’ll wait
three to five days.
But until then,
I wonder,
Where’s my next
perfect slut?
Where is he?

Bird of Passage