my library
Nokyoung Xayasane

I can name all the men
on my one hand
who’ve given me books
as gifts
and then
there’s you
you lost
the one book
I lent to you
my favourite book
I don’t think we’ll
ever find it

some things
are like this
lost
and never found

when I asked you
to pick me up
after my surgery
you told me
you would be busy
that day

when I needed help
building a large
wardrobe
to house my clothing
because all of your shit
took up our tiny closet
you abandoned me
to go play with your friends

you came home that night
drunk
at 4 in the morning
and you woke up
at 2pm
a few hours before
my book launch
I had to drive
both of us
an hour and a half
out of the city
while you held a
plastic bag
filled
with your own vomit

as I stood
in front of the crowd
of people
my friends
my family
who were there
to hear me read
you
had sequestered yourself
in our car

as I read aloud
I looked at the door
waiting for you
waiting for you
waiting for you
to show up
for me
to be there
for me
as I
have always
shown up
for you
as I
have always
been there
for you
but I stood up there
alone
and I am still standing there today

I really hope
I get that book back
but we both know
there will be more men
who will fill
my new library
I just hope
you haven’t given
that book to someone else
but we both know
you probably
definitely
have

some things
are like this
lost
and gratefully
left behind