lost and never found


my library
Nokyoung Xayasane

I can name all the men
on my one hand
who’ve given me books
as gifts
and then
there’s you
you lost
the one book
I lent to you
my favourite book
I don’t think we’ll
ever find it

some things
are like this
and never found

when I asked you
to pick me up
after my surgery
you told me
you would be busy
that day

when I needed help
building a large
to house my clothing
because all of your shit
took up our tiny closet
you abandoned me
to go play with your friends

you came home that night
at 4 in the morning
and you woke up
at 2pm
a few hours before
my book launch
I had to drive
both of us
an hour and a half
out of the city
while you held a
plastic bag
with your own vomit

as I stood
in front of the crowd
of people
my friends
my family
who were there
to hear me read
had sequestered yourself
in our car

as I read aloud
I looked at the door
waiting for you
waiting for you
waiting for you
to show up
for me
to be there
for me
as I
have always
shown up
for you
as I
have always
been there
for you
but I stood up there
and I am still standing there today

I really hope
I get that book back
but we both know
there will be more men
who will fill
my new library
I just hope
you haven’t given
that book to someone else
but we both know
you probably

some things
are like this
and gratefully
left behind

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