poetic justice

middle_distance

The Leprechaun
Nokyoung Xayasane

you cut your hair
short
and all respectable like,
you decided to go
to the doctor
for the first time
in years

and you felt the need
no
the perverse desire
no
the wide-eyed yearning
to mention her name
to me
in passing
out of the blue
without any context
all nonchalant
all casual like

you didn’t come home
one night,
and I didn’t see your face
for another few days

then you began
maneuvering
around my body
as if it were
an ill-placed
bureau
as if it were
an unwanted guest
who had called
on the wrong day

I hope you’ve learned
after all of this
that I’m not
an idiot

I hope we can be friends,
you say
I hope you find
your lucky charms,
you
little
Leprechaun

it’s the end
that sets the tone
for all
that has come
and gone

I hope
you’ve learned this,
you Leprechaun

if only
you weren’t
so foolish,
I said once

that cut you,
didn’t it?
that cut you
deep
right to the bone
now I wonder
who was the real fool

perhaps you and her
can chat it out
work it out
at the end
that is

my apologies
perhaps she can direct
your every thought
your every move
your every whim
because we both know
it takes someone
of character
to direct their own life

and yes, we all know
there’s nothing
she enjoys more
than the sound
of her own voice
authoritative, blunt,
and exhausting

she is shiny and bright,
is she not?
you’ll both stand
on your separate stages
and watch each other
from afar
waiting for the applause
of a thousand hands clapping
waiting for the sound
of a thousand voices praising

oh
and when she finally
breaks your heart
or you hers,
I’ll have
just two tiny words
for you

poetic justice

you
little
Leprechaun

from the men who used to love me

mans_world

The actress
Nokyoung Xayasane

In a city of millions
you decided to date
my ex-boyfriend.
I guess
that’s to be expected
from an actress,
criminal lawyer,
playwright.

So you caught the
Leprechaun and all his
lucky charms?
You started seeing
each other in
September?
He’s right on schedule.

He waited a solid
two weeks
before moving on?
He’s right on schedule.

You two weren’t
exclusive and official
until October?
He’s right on schedule.

You went on vacation
nine months later?
He’s right on schedule.

I hope you know
that before the
relationship
is over,
he’ll already have his eye
on someone new.
He doesn’t know
how to be alone.
His mistake.

Maybe I shouldn’t have
marketed
him so well.
My mistake, friend.
He’s good
but not great.
I’m sure you’ll
find that out
eventually
in your own time,
which I can only
assume will be
within the year.
Your mistake.

I’ll make sure I don’t
advertise my
next partner
so openly
just in case
you needed
more validation
from the men
who used
to love me.

lost and never found

middle_distance

my library
Nokyoung Xayasane

I can name all the men
on my one hand
who’ve given me books
as gifts
and then
there’s you
you lost
the one book
I lent to you
my favourite book
I don’t think we’ll
ever find it

some things
are like this
lost
and never found

when I asked you
to pick me up
after my surgery
you told me
you would be busy
that day

when I needed help
building a large
wardrobe
to house my clothing
because all of your shit
took up our tiny closet
you abandoned me
to go play with your friends

you came home that night
drunk
at 4 in the morning
and you woke up
at 2pm
a few hours before
my book launch
I had to drive
both of us
an hour and a half
out of the city
while you held a
plastic bag
filled
with your own vomit

as I stood
in front of the crowd
of people
my friends
my family
who were there
to hear me read
you
had sequestered yourself
in our car

as I read aloud
I looked at the door
waiting for you
waiting for you
waiting for you
to show up
for me
to be there
for me
as I
have always
shown up
for you
as I
have always
been there
for you
but I stood up there
alone
and I am still standing there today

I really hope
I get that book back
but we both know
there will be more men
who will fill
my new library
I just hope
you haven’t given
that book to someone else
but we both know
you probably
definitely
have

some things
are like this
lost
and gratefully
left behind

the idea that she was possible

dance floors would bleed from the knife of her dress (Photo credit: @nokxayasane/Instagram)

dance floors would bleed from the knife of her dress (Photo credit: nokxayasane/Instagram)

When you start a new chapter in your life, you can get super stressed out.

Whether you’ve decided to move to a new city, take on a new job, or end a toxic relationship, there’s always a sense of fear that comes with your decision.

But fear shouldn’t be something we … well … fear. It’s the thrill of knowing our life, as we know it, is about to change, drastically.

Yes, there will be times when we’re lost on the metro and have no clue where we’re going and we ask ourselves why we’ve moved to a city of faceless strangers. Yes, there will be days when our new boss is micromanaging the sanity out of us and we’re dying for the clock to read 5 pm. And yes, there will be days when we wish for the comfort of our former partner even though the relationship was as dysfunctional as Hannah and Adam’s relationship in the first season of Girls.

For me, whenever I start a new chapter in my life, I try and find poetry that comforts me and validates my decisions.

This is an excerpt I took from Dionne Brand’s book of poetry called Thirsty. I chose the parts I liked best so it’s missing a bunch of the poem.

To read the whole poem, check out her book. Do people still buy books nowadays? I hope so. Books are the bees’ knees.

XXXI, Dionne Brand

the clarity
of the traffic, the sky, the day, her life
her directions, plain, unknown, except for this,
the idea, the idea that she was possible

she could assassinate streets with her eyes
damage books and chemical compounds and honey and waiting
rooms, dance floors would bleed from the knife of her dress

She needed to smell, without dying, the skin
of someone else, she needed without wounding,
without a murder, without a killing, a truce if not peace,
a city, as a city was supposed to be, forgetful,
and to gather up any charm she might have
left, to sleep, to feel snow, to have it matter,
to wake the leaves, to hate rain

Heads up!

I’m starting a new lifestyle blog in the new year which chronicles my adventures as a freelance writer trying to make it in the big city (Toronto) with the help of food, friends, and feline. Stay tuned!